If last week felt like summer vacation, this week feels like exam week - sleepless and stressful, but without the inevitable party and good feelings at the end. My light heartedness last week may have been due not only to the great weather and the discovery of a new season with Anna, but also to a great week of sleep. It was the first stretch of good rest since we started traveling in April. Since that time, Anna has been battling one illness after another. We were feeling elated for a few days, hopeful that we were through a rough patch.
Last Thursday Anna started waking again, a lot. There's a tooth. And, there's another tooth. And, there's a runny nose. And, there's a rash. And, there's diarrhea. And, there are dreams about animals and fish. All of this, along with who-knows-what developmental things might be going on, means that we're not sleeping much. The lack of quality rest for Anna and me means we're both tired, impatient, and cranky, and that's not a good combination. I'm constantly torn between feeling sorry for her and feeling sorry for myself, which is not a good place to be. I am always overwhelmed by how much sleep deprivation (and simultaneously raging hormones) can mess with your head.
Right now, it's 4:00am, and I'm not sleeping. Anna and I are at Mo D's house this weekend, visiting for Aunt Kelly's bridal shower. Daddy is home, hopefully getting some much-needed rest. We've been up for almost three hours now. I'm obviously a tad delirious (and should re-read this tomorrow before I even think about posting it). It's in these exhausted moments that I'm most difficult on myself, feeling like I'm doing all the wrong things or not being patient enough with her. It's in these exhausted moments that it's hard to remember that this will pass, that the truth of this moment is just that - a fleeting moment, even if it doesn't feel like it. Although sleep has often eluded us over the last two years, and Anna may never be an "easy sleeper," it's not often this difficult. It will get easier again, and the other fleeting moments, the happy ones that pass all too quickly, will shine through.
4 comments:
Must be the week - ours has been similar. You have a right to feel frustrated, exhausted, all of it. In the moments when you're not as patient as you'd like to be don't be too hard on yourself. You're a wonderful mother and Anna is getting all of the love she needs - even if Mommy's not at her "best". (Mmm...maybe I should be typing this to myself!) XO
I can't imagine being a shining beacon of patience between the hours of 1 and 4 a.m. You are an extremely talented mother, Kellie--you love Anna, and she knows it. That's embedded so deep within her that she'll never doubt it for a second. Brighter days on the horizon!
I love your complete honesty. That is so hard to do and I'm always amazed at how in touch with your emotions you are - good or bad. I know that you love her to the depths of our soul, and that's why you are stopping to analyze whether you're doing what's right. It's clear to me that you are amazing with Anna. You have the toughest 24/7 job that anyone can take on and you provide her with such a wonderful life in an amazingly healthy environment. Any human would get tired with the schedule that you've been managing. Hope next week gets a little better for you both.
Love, Michelle
I hear you Kellie! There must be something in the air because I've been experiencing the same thing. Thanks for sharing - it's very comforting.
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