On Christmas Eve

Anna and I played with her new perler beads while Blake made our Christmas Eve dinner.

While Anna and I decorated gifts with sparkly blue bows and red, shiny ribbons, Blake was up to something on the computer. I wasn't supposed to look...

We took our traditional Christmas Eve drive to look at lights before we enjoyed this magnificent beef bourguignon by candlelight.

We, of course, put out cookies and milk for Santa and a carrot for the reindeer (I guess the reindeer each just get one bite).

Anna carefully hung our stockings on the mantel before we snuggled up to read Twas the Night Before Christmas by the fire.

Then we got to work. And, Santa came. He brought one really big surprise this year - a fish for Anna. I think, besides the fish, the vintage 1986 Lite Brite that's waiting to be unwrapped might be my favorite. I can't wait to find out what Anna's favorites are.

Merry Christmas from our family to yours! 

Holiday Warm Up

Uncle Chris, Aunt Amy, and Allison are home for the holidays, and they made an overnight stop at our place last night on their whirlwind tour through southeast Michigan. It was so nice to have them here - we didn't do much, which was perfectly fun for all of us I think. The kids played inside and out and then crashed early, leaving the grown-ups plenty of time to catch up. We spent hours upon hours talking, the midnight hour creeping up on all of us. I lost count of the Manhattan tally between Chris and Blake at three, and I finally heard him creep into bed at 2:30am. 

Sadly, Blake had to drag himself to work this morning, but the rest of us lazed around, doing very little except attempting to make graham cracker gingerbread houses (because the store was sold out of the real thing yesterday). It was so very nice to spend some quiet time with my brother, sister-in-law, and my niece.

Allison. Cute or what?

Chris was ill-prepared for the cold, but Allison's gloves made nice ear muffs.

Engrossed in Super Why!

That's a look that says I've had way too many gummi bears and jelly beans.

Also many, many gummi bears and jelly beans.

My Best Mommy

This morning when Anna snuggled up in bed with us at 6:15am, she grabbed onto my arms that were wrapped around her little body, squeezed and exclaimed, "You're my best mommy!"

"You're my best Anna," I replied.

What a perfect way to wake up in the morning.

It Doesn't Get Much Better

Yesterday was the kind of day that feels just about perfect. Only snow could have made it better. Maybe I cherished Sunday so much because I knew it was the last day of this year where our little family had nothing we absolutely had to do. We relaxed and just enjoyed our time together. 

So, Blake let me sleep late while he and Anna ate breakfast. When I came down, Anna and I colored for, what seemed like, hours. I'd make the outline of Christmas trees and candy canes and she'd decorate them elaborately with colorful bulbs and stripes. In the midst of coloring, Blake and I finally put up some more pictures around the house. We stayed in our pajamas until nearly lunch time. I leisurely folded laundry with Anna's help - she "wrapped gifts" with all the cloth napkins she folded. With a pork shoulder slowly cooking in the crock pot, Anna napped, and Blake and I both exercised. 

When Anna woke, we drove to Hudson Mills Metro Park, just a few miles from our house, and we discovered a remarkable new play structure that will be our new "farther park" this summer. I can't believe we didn't find it right after we moved in. The sun was setting by the time we drove home, so we took the opportunity to check out Christmas lights, again. We'd designated it "family movie night," and we watched The Polar Express while we dined on pulled pork served on TV trays. I snuck away to make hot chocolate for dessert, which Anna discarded after finishing her marshmallows. Blake and I read ourselves to sleep before eleven o'clock. It doesn't get much better. 

You can't see her eyes, but the smile (in every photo) says it all. 

The Nutcracker

I had to find a stranger at intermission to get a photo of us today. I'm not sure why Anna looks so sullen - she had such a wonderful time!

Blake, Anna, and I enjoyed our first Nutcracker experience this afternoon. The ballet was presented by the Ann Arbor Ballet Theatre, and since it was my first trip to the ballet, I don't have anything to compare it to. I'm guessing it differed a bit from a performance in Chicago or NYC, but it was still beautiful, and we had so much fun.

When I arrived home in the morning, Anna was already asking to get her tights on - she has a HUGE thing for tights right now. I think she'd wear them everyday if I did the laundry often enough. She also wanted me to blow dry her hair, and I couldn't help letting her wear the smallest amount of blush and a dusting of imperceptible eye shadow. She was just so excited, and so was I.

We shared a pasta lunch downtown and hurried to the theater to find our seats - three rows from the front (I'd forgotten that I'd selected seats THAT close to the stage). We could see everything, down to the snowflakes that landed on the snow faeries eyelashes in the Land of Snow. We had one potty break at the end of the first Act, but otherwise, Anna was engrossed nearly the entire time. She snuggled up on my lap, whispered "I love you" so many times, especially after we treated her to some gummy bears during the intermission, and she insisted, as we walked out the door to go home, that we do it again soon. 

I think it will be a Christmas tradition from now on.

What Did I Do Before the Holidays?

I think I actually slept, watched a TV show or two, played with Anna more, talked to Blake, exercised, took pictures, and e-mailed, among other things.

This week, I've done the following, much of which is holiday-related:

• Skipped my chiropractor appointment to clean out closets and storage
• Took donations to the Salvation Army
• Delivered angel tree gifts
• Battled (am still battling) a cold
• Shopped, twice in stores, and a lot online
• Taught spinning (at least one day of exercise)
• Had a quiet dinner out with Blake (my mom hung with Anna so shopping and dinner out could make the list)
• Stayed up too late reading The Hunger Games
• Attended book club
• Wrapped presents with Anna while watching The Polar Express, amazed at how clearly Anna signed her name on everyone's gifts
• Baked cookies with Anna, Mo J, and Aunt Carolyn
• Sewed gifts, with more to do here, too
• Packaged cookies and gifts with Anna to deliver to neighbors and friends
• Took Anna to Jungle Java, played Memory, read stories, did puzzles
• Wished and wished and wished for snow
• Picked up the house (so our wonderful cleaning lady could come)
• Made lots of lists (left to buy for lists, holiday to do lists, grocery lists)
• Cooked mediocre meals

I'm sure there's more, but I'm groggy and going to TRY to get to bed early. Tomorrow: treadmill, undivided attention for Anna, and a trip to hang with my friend Betsy overnight. When I return on Saturday, it's off to The Nutcracker...a first for all of us. I'm so, so excited. I'm going to put aside the grocery shopping, cooking, sewing, wrapping, cleaning and packing that have to be done next week and really enjoy this wonderful pre-Christmas holiday weekend.

Note to self: Christmas is a very good time to practice striving for excellence rather than for perfection. Blake insists I'm putting too much pressure on myself to make the holidays "perfect" for everyone (not me)! I had one meltdown this week, a product of trying to do too much, too perfectly I suppose. I need to remember to recharge my batteries with a little downtime, time to reflect and check my head. When that time is scarce, my sanity is momentarily lost. 

Tonight's my night I guess.

Oatmeal Cookies and Hot Chocolate

We've been experimenting a bit more with dairy-free baking during the holidays. Anna and I made hot chocolate last week to enjoy with our oatmeal raisin cookies, and both were unbelievably delicious. Here are the recipes:

Dairy-Free Hot Cocoa (adapted just slightly from this recipe we used last year)

Heat a small saucepan over medium heat. Whisk together 1 Tbsp unsweetened cocoa powder, 1 Tbsp sugar, and 1 Tbsp water in the pan until blended. Add 8 ounces rice milk and mix well. Lower heat and heat until warmed through. Add at least six miniature marshmallows (Anna added this part to the recipe).

Oatmeal Raisin Cookies

Adapted from the Whole Foods Allergy Cookbook

½ cup Coconut Oil

¼ cup molasses

½ cup maple syrup

1 tsp. vanilla extract

3/4 cup all purpose flour

1/2 cup whole wheat flour

¼ tsp. salt

1 tsp. baking soda

1 tsp aluminum-free baking powder

1 cup oats
Raisins (to taste)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Beat shortening/coconut oil with molasses and maple syrup in a large mixing bowl. Add vanilla extract. Combine flour, salt, cinnamon, baking soda, and baking powder. Add to mixing bowl. Add oats, stir and then add raisins (we added a lot for Anna and I, then separated a small batch for Blake without...he doesn't like raisins in his cookies).

Drop by heaping teaspoons onto a lightly greased cookie sheet, and cook 10-12 minutes, until cookies are browning around the edges.

Let cool on cookie sheet before transferring to plate with a spatula.

Makes 1 ½ - 2 dozen cookies

Joyful Moments

Once again, we filled the weekend with holiday-inspired activities. The next thirteen days will, undoubtedly, follow suit. I feel a bit frantic with so much happening and so much to do, and then little moments of peace and joy hit me, if I stay present and soak it all in.

Papa and Mo Mox came to stay on Friday so Blake and I could attend his company holiday party. Earlier in the day, Mo, Papa, and I traipsed around outside looking for deer tracks, Papa read "The Polar Express," and Anna somehow lured us all into her crawl-through tunnel, which only she can fit into comfortably. The next morning Anna couldn't wait to wake Papa and Mo. She was thrilled to discover that Mo brought her wintery "sticky window things," which they hung while Blake nursed his mild hangover and I nursed the beginnings of a cold. Anna was so sad to see them both go at lunchtime.
She didn't have to wait long for another visitor, though. Anna had a date with Daddy and Uncle Blair on Saturday evening while I ate cookies at Emily's house. Emily hosted a cookie exchange - it was my first, and I would definitely do it again (at least if Emily hosts...she outdid herself once again). The food was festive, the ten dozen different kinds of cookies were all delicious, and the girl-time was, as always, invaluable.

The holidays are, for us, about family, about friends, about celebration and tradition. Spending time with family and friends this weekend brought many joyful, peaceful moments. Christmas, for us, is also about giving. Now that Anna can better understand, we've tried this year to share the origins of Christmas with her and tried to help her understand that not everyone is as fortunate as we are. Today Blake, Anna, and I went Christmas shopping to buy clothes and toys for one little three-year-old girl, an "angel" that we adopted through the Salvation Army's Angel Tree Program. We've done something similar in years past, in some form or other. This year, though, was very special, because Anna was involved in picking the girl and selecting all the items for her. She surprised me by asking for just one thing in the store, some balls she saw before we even began our shopping (which she didn't get, and she did not pout or whine about it). From then on, she was focused on picking out gifts. Her excitement for giving and her generosity inspired me. It was, as always, a wonderful feeling to be able to give in this way. It can sometimes seem like a selfish act - the joy and good-feelings I experience by giving are gifts in and of themselves.

Blake and I are fortunate parents. We know will see Anna's face light up on Christmas morning, and for a parent, that is the best gift. As we walked the aisles searching for toys, the frantic feelings dissolved today when I realized, hopefully, that, in addition to the tangible gifts for our angel, we'll be giving a little something to the parents, too. Joy.

The Swimming Saga

Until this week, Tuesday was swimming lesson day. In September Anna excitedly jumped into the ninety degree swimming pool at Goldfish Swim School for her first ever swimming lesson. We started off in a class where I swam, too, and after two or three of these, it was clear she belonged in the next level. She did wonderfully in her first "solo" class with her teacher, Miss Alex, and one other little boy. I've lost track now of how many sessions she did where I watched her from the viewing area, she and I smiling proudly. She chatted and giggled with Miss Alex and appeared to be having loads of fun. Until one day she wasn't. It was shortly before our trip to New York, and she had a meltdown about me leaving (even though she'd be able to see me watching her on the other side of the glass). The next week, the meltdown grew. It was the kind of painful thing I feel like I've witnessed only in movies; she was gasping for breath, purple-faced, hanging on to me for dear life.

In the midst of this, we switched to a different class time with three little girls, but with the same instructor. This was a big mistake on my part, but I'd thought the difficulties would come to an end after our trip to New York passed. I thought the new class would be a better fit for her and for our schedule, but it only served to make the parting worse. And, instead of getting over it and having fun, as she'd done when she was with one other kid, she sat sadly in the corner of the pool. She did not participate much and cried when she would get splashed or kicked, which happened a lot with a bigger class and less one-on-one teacher time. She looked lonely.

Over the course of a couple of weeks, Anna verbalized a few reasons that she did not like swimming anymore: she couldn't do what she wanted to do in the water, namely flying; she didn't want to put her face in the water, and they wanted her to; she didn't like it that I was on the other side of the glass; she was uncomfortable when the other kids got close and splashed and kicked her. Blake and I also wondered if, because her gross motor skills are not very strong, she wasn't able to perform the way she wanted to; she is such a perfectionist. We talked through some of these as best as possible, and decided we would go back into our original, smaller, quieter class. This was much better - the separation was tough, but not unbearable, and she had fun again. It seemed that minimizing the sensory input was a good way to go. Then we missed class to travel to Midland, and when swimming came up last week, she absolutely did not want to go. Up until that time, she at least expressed an interest in being there, until we got there. So, after much pain and deliberation on my part, we didn't go last week. We went to a "free swim" on Thursday instead, thinking she may just need to get comfortable again, but she still insisted that she did not want to go back. So, we pulled her out.

You can imagine that each and every time the painful departures happened I was a pillar of strength (can you hear the sarcasm)? I'm sure she was actually better off than I was, despite her discomfort and tears. I was a mess inside on the other side of the glass, feeling sad that she was sad, wondering what was the right thing to do. Having a hard time was OK, but this was supposed to be fun, and she just looked miserable. I did not want her to lose her love of swimming. We never intended this to be more than something she would enjoy, and she obviously was not loving it.

I really struggled with the decision to stop swimming lessons. What kind of message is it sending to her if we pull her out? If we force her to stay in? What's the lasting impact either way? Is there a lasting impact at three? Probably not. I thought of every possibility with either option, as I tend to do; I examined the good and bad of both sides. In the end, Blake and I felt like she stuck it out for a good amount of time...if I did what was comfortable for me and her, I probably would have grabbed her the very first time she was upset and walked out comforting her, but I knew that was not the best thing for her. I just hope that she continues to love swimming in the future, that we didn't steal away this thing that she loves, her thing, from her by continuing on for as long as we did.

A couple of months ago, Anna mentioned wanting to take a dance class. Serendipitously, a Living Social deal came up for a place in our small town, so we bought an eight-week package. We went to watch the class last Friday, and we signed her up starting in January. More learning opportunities for both of us ahead...

The Curly Bearded Santa

We had brunch at the club on Sunday with Uncle Blair and our friends, Julie, Jeff, and Jackson. The infamous balloon man was there to make Anna a blue penguin, her favorite bird of late. Of course, Santa was there, too and the not-so-famous Christmas bear, whom many children, including Anna feared intensely.

She was thrilled to see Santa, but I don't blame her for not wanting to sit on some strange man's lap. She did want to give him the letter and picture she drew for him, at a distance of course. It was a very exciting day.

After we visited Santa at the club, Anna mentioned to me that it's strange how Santa in the Rudolf cartoon has a straight beard, but the one at the club has a curly beard. While she knows Santa has helpers who dress up to look like him (thanks to The Bird in Santa's Beard), she was still confused by the variations on Santa's looks.

Then Anna saw a very real looking Santa with a genuine white beard on Monday at the mall, where she also kept a safe distance but had a lengthy conversation. Later that evening, she told Mo D that she didn't think the curly beard Santa was real, but the one with the straight beard at the mall...he was the real thing. She's a very observant girl.

Now, if she'd noticed the slight southern twang on the mall Santa, she might think otherwise.

If The Shoe Fits...

Anna will want to buy it in every color.

I know you're thinking that, because Anna was shopping with Mo D and me, we must have been encouraging her in the shoe department. I assure you, we were not. I tried to steer her away from them, but she REALLY wanted to try on some shoes. I just couldn't deny her that after a long day at the mall. Just look at her smiling face.

She fell for a shiny purple pair and could not be dissuaded to select something more practical. I guess I can't blame her.

O, Christmas Tree

After a sausage and fruit breakfast yesterday, because I forgot to buy eggs, we packed our cold-weather gear into the car and began our annual Christmas-tree-cutting adventure. First we stopped at Morgan and York to purchase the feast and then to the tree farm to chop down a "double-needle balsam," which is how Blake now refers to our Frasier Fir.

It was a long day waiting to decorate the tree.

Big

M & Y was as lovely as ever; their cappuccino as perfect as Italy's, the cheese, salami, and olives as gorgeous as they are tasty, and the staff amazingly helpful. Tree-cutting this year was more pleasant than in previous years, given the warmer weather. It was, as always, such a hard decision, though! We'd agreed on a bigger tree this year - I was excited to indulge in one since we have high ceilings now. After miles of searching, we settled on one that is a bit pear-shaped and eleven feet tall. Anna was relieved that we could finally go home and decorate the tree. Let the fun begin.

Keeping herself busy while STILL waiting to decorate.

Anna's favorite ornament this year...her new blue macaw.

By the time we made it back to our house, it was close to 2:30pm. We let the tree sit for a little while, and then I started on the lights while we watched The Grinch. I always do the lights, and I don't usually mind. Remind me next year that I DO MIND when it involves eleven feet of Christmas tree and six strands of lights, some right out of the box, that only half work or don't work at all. After two hours of hanging lights, I had one third of the tree done. Anna decorated that part of the tree, we ate meat and chocolate fondue, she decorated a bit more, and after she went to bed, I finished the lights with our neighbor's long light-hanging stick and a very tall ladder. I stopped counting at 9 strands of lights, but I think it was close to 12 or 13. I may have finished around 9pm. Blake and I had some more food and wine, hung some decorations at the top of the tree, and finally called it a night at midnight.

In spite of all that, or maybe because of it, we do love our tree.

The blurry finished product at midnight.

Scattered

It snowed on Tuesday night, and for the first time ever, Anna and I walked to the end of our driveway, plopped down on a sled, and raced down the hill in our side yard - the one that must have been specifically designed for sledding. It seems that, although we only accumulated about 2 or so inches of snow, the wind factor where we live blows it into just the right places. It was perfectly placed for our sledding adventure. We didn't last long, though; Anna quickly tired of walking up the steep hill, and it's not so easy to carry her anymore.

The sledding out our front door is one of many perks here. The view after a snowfall is even more spectacular. I wish I'd taken more pictures while we were outside yesterday morning, but I have them in my head, and I know we'll have many more snows ahead. The favorite one I didn't take was of Anna standing at the top of the hill, me at the bottom, fresh snow everywhere except for the strip carved by my first solo run on the sled. The bluest blue sky shone behind her with whisps of clouds making a halo around her head. Her smile beamed at the center.

I have been solely focused on Christmas since we returned from Thanksgiving. While I have my rules about not listening to Christmas music before the fourth Thursday in November, once the turkey is carved, I have it on all the time. After Anna goes to bed I've been shopping around online, planning cookies, sewing gifts, and reworking our countdown activity calendar. We've run numerous Christmas-centered errands, we enjoyed the first of our daily Christmas-themed activities today by writing a letter to Santa, and we made some impromptu homemade ornaments yesterday. I've been neglecting my reading and my blogging.

It sounds idyllic. In truth, these are the idyllic moments, scattered amongst the currently challenging ones like parenting a toddler who is going through a little "phase," being a mom who is going through a little "phase," and managing my own expectations of my performance, my career, my marriage, my life. I try to focus on the positive, which is important and good, but that doesn't always paint the most accurate picture of our lives.

Maybe, at least for me, it's the hormones that rear their ugly head each month, maybe it's the fact that the year is ending, and I always get reflective AND forward-thinking (and self-critical). For Anna, I'm guessing it's just what kids do. After instituting some "Love and Logic" techniques a while back, management of her emotions, and mine for that matter, improved. Maybe I've slacked on implementation lately, and with the big changes to our schedule, it seems like she's just a ball of fire. She's more demanding, more needy, more whiny, less affectionate, and it feels like all I'm hearing is "No!" I loathe conflict, and it's just part of daily life with a toddler.

Deliciously happy for a moment...

Of course, "No!" may be all she is hearing from me. And, maybe I'm the one being more demanding, more needy, more whiny. There are so many times that I hear myself saying "No" in some form or another, and I cringe, wondering how I became so Not Fun. I think Stephanie posted a quote a while back about this (I apologize for not knowing the source). The words stuck with me and echo in my head most days - they were along the lines of "Mom is where fun goes to die." To be sure, Blake and I tend to take life too seriously. Too many nights I find myself reflecting on the day and seeing not what I've done right, but how I have inadvertently taught, by example, the very things I don't want to teach or NOT taught the things I've dreamt of teaching. I remember sitting with my journal before Anna was born and even when she was very small, writing down all the life lessons I hoped to teach, grand spiritual principles, metaphysical ideas to impart. Now, at the end of a day, I hope that she knows I love her unconditionally, that I haven't shrunk her spirit with all the "No's," that I'm doing enough to support her in developing into a confident, honest, kind, independent thinker.

So, I look forward to our next snowfall, our next sledding adventure, our cookie-making, our tree-cutting that, even when scattered amongst perpetual whining and repeated defiance, make me (and Blake and Anna) smile and remind me to take life a little less seriously. Dr. Seuss said "...these things are fun, and fun is good." I've been saying this to Anna since she could understand it, but in the end, it's really my lesson to learn. I think she already knows it.