Breaking

I've had intentions of posting about things like Anna's declining interest in (or anxiety about) dance class, the gift of girlfriends (especially lately), food, and other day-to-day stuff, but between my physical and emotional exhaustion, doctor and hospital visits for me (some planned, others not), and preparation for vacation, it just hasn't happened.

I've noticed that spring break, or any vacation, always tends to come at just the right time. We are, thankfully, leaving for Florida on Saturday. I am at a point, a breaking point, where I feel utterly lacking in patience, strength, and creative energy. Maybe when one knows vacation is coming, one lets oneself get to this point. Surely, if Florida weren't in my future, I'd carry on. I'd do something to get myself over this hump.

This pregnancy, though, is testing me. The "opportunities for learning" just keep coming, and while in a calm, reflective state I can maybe see them as just that - opportunities to embrace the uncertainty of life, relinquish control, trust the process, blah, blah, blah - the last week or so has left me feeling drained and lacking in perspective. The spotting, in it's various forms, isn't stopping. And, while there is little cause that can be identified and the baby appears to be fine right now, they don't say not to worry or that it will not lead to anything else. Obviously, there are no guarantees at any time, for anyone. For me, the anxious, health-sensitive person, these alarming events magnify the uncertainty and anxiety exponentially. And, my preferred stress-management tools, running and (let's be honest) having a glass of wine or two, are out of the question. While I don't think I would have been a very happy puker, morning sickness can be expected. It's a predictable symptom. It's even a good sign. I'm not saying that I wish I'd had morning sickness, but I wouldn't mind some predictability or good signs.

As I listen to my own words, I feel a bit guilty about going on this way. I 'should' just be grateful that we have this baby for now, which I have been a lot every time I find out that things appear to be OK, but I'm also just plain drained from the up and down of it all. Which is why I'm just so happy that vacation is coming. I'm sure my blues will benefit from the change of scenery and time with my family. Blake and Anna need the break, too, both for their own reasons, and because my energy has been impacting them. I always, always come home from vacation feeling so thankful for the down time with just us. I expect this time is going to be particularly special. It is, after all, our last vacation as a family of three. While I'm going to cherish it in so many ways, right now I'm also really looking forward to the day in August when I can, hopefully, hold a healthy little baby in my arms.