The good feelings from Monday shriveled after yet another night with very little sleep. Tuesday seemed to unfold in one of those terrible-horrible-no-good-very-bad-day fashions, and for the most part, it was my fatigue and hormones that warped my attitude and my patience. Despite my awareness and predictability of the following equation, it still spirals me downward:
Fatigue and/or hormone fluctuations + whiny kid upon very early wake-up + minor complications (a short-term broken phone, two broken egg yolks, running late, a major f-up by our contractor, etc.) = mommy handling minor (and occasionally bigger) conflicts or issues with Anna with negative words rather than "love and logic," inappropriate or unfair time-out threats, and nit-picking = mommy beating herself up for poor parenting and not loving the present moment as well as mommy overanalyzing how my behavior is negatively impacting a particularly (at the moment) sensitive Anna = even more fatigue and bad attitude = tearful and apologetic mommy = roller coaster ride for us both until we get some quiet rest time.
I wish I could say this was a rarity for this pregnant stay-at-home mom, but in truth, this is more common than the idealistic moments of Monday. A friend of mine recently posted two quotes on her blog that come to mind:
"I barely make it most days. By the skin of my teeth, I pass. All my life I made straight A's but this mother thing. It's not something I want to just scrape by... and I feel like the gap is closing, what's shaping their behavior, and memories, and when they'll catch on." - from Adventures in Babywearing
And two excerpts from this one (worth the read!):
Thankfully, those Monday-like moments do exist. If I can focus on those at the end of the day, remember them, appreciate them amidst a day full of Tuesday-like moments, I might even sleep more soundly at night...and the whole equation might shift, if only a little tiny bit.