Breaking

I've had intentions of posting about things like Anna's declining interest in (or anxiety about) dance class, the gift of girlfriends (especially lately), food, and other day-to-day stuff, but between my physical and emotional exhaustion, doctor and hospital visits for me (some planned, others not), and preparation for vacation, it just hasn't happened.

I've noticed that spring break, or any vacation, always tends to come at just the right time. We are, thankfully, leaving for Florida on Saturday. I am at a point, a breaking point, where I feel utterly lacking in patience, strength, and creative energy. Maybe when one knows vacation is coming, one lets oneself get to this point. Surely, if Florida weren't in my future, I'd carry on. I'd do something to get myself over this hump.

This pregnancy, though, is testing me. The "opportunities for learning" just keep coming, and while in a calm, reflective state I can maybe see them as just that - opportunities to embrace the uncertainty of life, relinquish control, trust the process, blah, blah, blah - the last week or so has left me feeling drained and lacking in perspective. The spotting, in it's various forms, isn't stopping. And, while there is little cause that can be identified and the baby appears to be fine right now, they don't say not to worry or that it will not lead to anything else. Obviously, there are no guarantees at any time, for anyone. For me, the anxious, health-sensitive person, these alarming events magnify the uncertainty and anxiety exponentially. And, my preferred stress-management tools, running and (let's be honest) having a glass of wine or two, are out of the question. While I don't think I would have been a very happy puker, morning sickness can be expected. It's a predictable symptom. It's even a good sign. I'm not saying that I wish I'd had morning sickness, but I wouldn't mind some predictability or good signs.

As I listen to my own words, I feel a bit guilty about going on this way. I 'should' just be grateful that we have this baby for now, which I have been a lot every time I find out that things appear to be OK, but I'm also just plain drained from the up and down of it all. Which is why I'm just so happy that vacation is coming. I'm sure my blues will benefit from the change of scenery and time with my family. Blake and Anna need the break, too, both for their own reasons, and because my energy has been impacting them. I always, always come home from vacation feeling so thankful for the down time with just us. I expect this time is going to be particularly special. It is, after all, our last vacation as a family of three. While I'm going to cherish it in so many ways, right now I'm also really looking forward to the day in August when I can, hopefully, hold a healthy little baby in my arms.

Anna's Perspective

Anna received a camera from Papa and Mo J for Christmas. It's a toy, but it's digital and the photos can actually be downloaded onto our computer. We finally took a look today at the scenes she's captured since the holidays.

Many of them are blurry and of poor quality (not sure if this is user error or if it's just the nature of a toy camera), but they are still fun to see. Here are some of my unedited favorites.

Inspiring words for our wall.

Sunrise - with sun catcher hanging below.

Our weekend chef.

Self-portrait.

Mommy close-up.

Through the blinds.

Bead creation - one of very many.

One of Santa's gifts this year. 

Don't remember this, but glad she captured it!

Waiting for Santa. 

Uncle Blair and Aunt Carolyn at Christmas.

Papa and Mo J at Christmas.

Random Things Worth Noting

Anna does not like tags. She actually lives with them well on her own clothing where they are not visible to her. It's not exactly about comfort. It seems to be about aesthetics. Her dolls, stuffed animals, doll clothes - almost all of them have been operated on with my scissors so as to be free of any unsightly tags.

Lately the post-dinner ritual includes Anna and Blake rough-housing before bath. This includes dancing and racing or flying around the "track" from our kitchen to foyer to family room and back. It also recently includes Anna playing bumble bee and 'stinging' Blake with her butt, Blake falling to the ground in a blithering heap, and Anna returning to hug and kiss his stung body part. She's quick to sting him again.

Anna has been eating lettuce, spinach, and kale like it's candy. I'm a little weary of saying these words out loud - I don't want it to stop. She asks for second helpings of these vegetables almost every time we eat them, loaded of course with the most expensive aged balsamic vinegar around.

Last week Anna was obsessed with the old "new" animal carrier toy we found. More than a year ago Blake's supervisor invited us over, and we were gifted a little animal cage. Anna's little blue dog, the one Mo D found that is a replica of her big blue dog, needed a crate like Riley's. When we pulled it out of hiding, she spent DAYS playing with Ocho, the little blue dog. She filled the crate with handfuls of toys, took them out, put them back in, and took them out again more times than I could count. She was ecstatic about this.

While Anna still loves diapering her dolls, she's been more and more focused on building and designing. She builds with her legos, she makes boxes and homes out of her magna-tiles for her plastic bugs and lego animals and stickers, she creates intricate designs with her pop beads. I often find surprises waiting for me in magnetic pyramids and cubes that are laying around.

Before I fall asleep at night, before I even open my book to read, I've been in the habit of spending at least a few minutes browsing the latest celebrity news on my iPhone People app. Everyday. I usually skip Facebook, I don't have a Twitter account, I'm just dabbling on Pinterest. The People app gets most of my attention. Not exactly sure what this says about me.

I'm fourteen weeks pregnant tomorrow. Outside of the craziness of the last week or so, and the exhaustion that I still feel, I haven't been very focused on the pregnancy. I kinda even feel a little guilty about it, the lack of attention given to the little one growing inside me, that is. It's definitely good in a way, though. With Anna, I was a typical first time pregnant mom, obsessed with all the details. This time, I've done little to no reading or reminding myself of the 'shoulds' (which creates less anxiety), and I have yet to think about the nursery or things I'll need to buy this time around. I'm focused mostly on the day-to-day, staying busy with Anna and with life. I can see how a second child will be easier, with respect to worrying less about their fragility and how you care for them as a newborn. I can see how a second child is harder, though, too. The fatigue of raising one and housing a developing new one in my body is just a preview.

Speaking of this, I think the laziness Blake and I've been tending towards must be our way of stocking up while we still have the freedom. Neither of us are too motivated to do much of anything after Anna goes to bed...at 7pm! The kitchen usually gets cleaned to some degree by Blake if I cooked. They toys do not get picked up regularly. The mail is mostly ignored. The non-emergency items on the To Do list get moved from one day to the next to the next. The tools used for hanging pictures two weeks ago are still sitting on the chair. On another chair are the remnants of my reframing project. The top of the garbage can that's been blowing around in our yard? It's found a permanent place in the grass behind the deck. This is NOT my preferred way of keeping house. The cleaning people come tomorrow, though, so if you want to visit, come soon.

Somehow it's escaped this blog that we finally decided on a preschool for Anna next year. It was, for me, an agonizing decision. There's no "right" answer, but oh, I wished for one. In the end, the pros outweighed the cons (like the drive time and the lack of emphasis on time outside, which I figure Anna gets plenty of at home). And, ultimately, none of the other options FELT as right as this one. We're thrilled in so many ways about the school she'll be attending. She's actually pretty excited, too. The classroom even has a pet guinea pig, Professor, which was a major draw for her. The 25-minute drive though! When my pregnancy insomnia is in full swing as it was last week, I start questioning the logistics of afternoon (11:55am) drop off and (3:00pm) pick up with naps for a six or nine month old.

Happy Valentine's Day

Blake and I have been together for almost 10 years, and we have not yet celebrated Valentine's Day. I can't remember exactly how the conversation went so many years ago, but Blake basically said he felt like it was just another "Hallmark holiday," and that it would make more sense, if we really wanted to celebrate our love, to do it on a day that has meaning for us. I thought this was a fine idea, so, we made our own day of celebration on November 1st, the anniversary of when we started dating.

Every year on November 1st, I gave Blake a letter reflecting on our previous year together. Every year, we'd have a date night to celebrate. The year after Anna was born, the letter didn't come until December, and there was no date night planned. The year after that, I think we both forgot about November 1st entirely. Until today I actually thought last year was the first year that I failed to write the letter. I went searching for them on our computers, and 2008 was the last to be found (I'm still searching for 03 and 04 as well, which I KNOW were written). That's how quickly time is moving in our lives.

The moral of this story, for me, is that while Valentine's Day might hold more meaning when it's on a day special to us, we apparently could benefit from the reminder from television, restaurants, co-workers, friends, classmates, and Hallmark that the day to celebrate our love is upon us. Since November 1st came and went again this year, I've decided to break the rules and write a letter to Blake on Valentine's Day.

And, with Anna at the age where she hears about this kind of thing and gets excited about it all, she and I also made a few little gifts for Blake.

These yarn hearts were a Pinterest discovery at this website. The cornstarch glue was much thicker than I expected, so we just "painted" it onto the yarn with our fingers. We did speed the drying process by putting them in the oven. Fun, easy, and adorable!

I think I saw this frame idea initially on Pinterest as well, but my friend's recent post reminded me of it. I just printed text on some heavy-weight scrapbook paper, cut it to the appropriate size, and put it in an old frame. With a dry erase marker we can take turns writing messages for each other, and maybe for ourselves as well. It's my hope that the frame will help us nurture our relationship a little bit more every day of the year, not just on special occasions.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Spiritual Statistics

As of late, I've been wishing for some way to understand just how science and nature, or spirit, work together, or not. What's causing all the philosophical rumination? A baby, of course!

We can finally announce here on the blog that our family of three is expecting another baby in mid-August. It feels good to be able to write about it. It is, after all, a big part of what's happening in our lives, and it's been noticeably absent from this record for the last thirteen weeks.

We shared the news with Anna this weekend, which was, for us, so very exciting and special. I'd prepared myself for some very tough questions, but I think those will be coming later. Throughout the day, after we told her, we could literally see questions forming on her face. They were all about the baby, though. She was so focused on having a REAL baby in the house, one that can REALLY have his or her diaper changed, one that will cry, eat, sleep, poop, and drink milk. She is so excited to be a big sister. We are so excited for her. Of course, we're excited for us, too.

As far as the pregnancy goes, I've been so fortunate NOT to have morning sickness. I have been extremely and typically exhausted, moreso than last time. I've also been having more cravings than I did with Anna...pickles (cliche, I know), mustard, carbs carbs carbs, ice cream, chocolate please. Forget the veggies I usually love.

This pregnancy has it's own challenges, though. I feel like this one's been all about statistics...three percent, four percent, five percent. Our baby has a three percent chance of developing heart block due to an antibody I have in my blood. We have already made agonizing decisions about treatment if this were to develop, decisions which, to me, seem out the realm of any parents decision-making ability. Due to my "advanced maternal age," or as I like to call it, the geriatric pregnancy, we were offered a First Trimester Screening to assess our baby's risk chromosomal abnormalities. This revealed the baby has a four percent chance of having Down's Syndrome. And, after two days of spotting this week, we were told we still have a five percent chance of having a miscarriage. While the odds seem to be in our favor, the risks for heart block and DS are much higher than in the average population. And as our high-risk doctor pointed out, the only numbers that make a parent feel any relief are 0 percent and 100 percent. Needless to say, Blake and I have struggled to find peace and calm these last few weeks.

A conversation with a dear friend this weekend helped me to remember some things, things that we can easily lose sight of in our medicalized society: 1) While there is so much we know about pregnancy and keeping mom and baby healthy, there's a lot that cannot be explained. It is, after all, a miraculous process unfolding inside; 2) We have very little control. We can do a lot to ensure a healthy pregnancy, but there are some things we can do absolutely nothing about. What will be, will be; 3) Trust the process. Trust that we will be able to handle whatever comes. I've been reminding myself to trust myself, too.

I'm hopeful that the next six months will be full of anticipation, joy, nesting, and peace. The time has already been passing quickly. August will be here soon. For now, I'm asking myself, "How do I want to use my energy?" This is my mantra for this pregnancy.

Art Space

Since we've moved into this house, I've wanted a creative way to display Anna's artwork. She is constantly creating, so the art is always changing, and I've been searching for a way to easily take the older pictures down and put up newer ones. I finally found what I was looking for. Our new art boards were inspired by a book on my bedside table, The Creative Family, and a pin on Pinterest.

Last weekend we bought an 8 foot, 1x4 wood board, some primer, paint, a few screws, picture hangers, sandpaper, and some binder clips. We had Lowe's cut the board in half for us. Blake primed and painted the boards. I sanded the edges to give them a distressed look. Then Blake put the picture hangers on the back and screws equally spaced on the front. Once the boards were hanging on the wall, I placed the binder clips, with artwork, on the screws. Simple - although it did take some time over the course of two weekends.

Next up...a way to organize all the art supplies around here.

Dessert for Breakfast

It's hard to get a good picture of your food when you cannot wait to take a bite.

Aunt Kaity babysat Friday night so that Blake and I could go out with some dear friends who are moving back east. On our way home that night we picked up the other Katie from her friend's house, and she spent Saturday morning visiting with us before heading back to Chicago. It was a perfect reason to make dessert for breakfast, something we've been meaning to do for a while.

Blake made these homemade apple fritters from Thomas Keller's Ad Hoc at Home cookbook a while back, but they contain whole milk. To make a dairy-free version, he substituted vanilla flavored almond milk in equal quantities, and the fritters turned out just as decadent as before. Here's the slightly adapted recipe:

1 cup all-purpose flour
2 Tbsp granulated sugar
1 1/2 tsp baking powder
1/8 tsp ground cinnamon
1/2 tsp kosher salt
1 large egg
1/2 cup plus 1 Tbsp vanilla flavored almond milk
2 large apples, we used Honeycrisp and Pink Lady (Ad Hoc calls for 3, but we only ended up doing 2 and used more batter with each fritter)
Canola oil for deep-frying
Powdered sugar for dusting

Whisk together the flour, sugar, baking powder, cinnamon, and salt in a medium bowl. Lightly beat the egg and milk in a small bowl. Whisk into the dry ingredients until combined. The batter can be covered and refrigerated for up to 3 hours.

Peel the apples and slice the fruit from the core. Cut the apples into 2-inch-long, 1/4-inch-thick matchsticks. Fold into the batter.

Heat about 1 1/2 inches of oil to 325 degrees in a wide deep pot (we used our large Le Crueset). Set a cooling rack over a backing sheet and line with paper towles. Using two forks, lift up about 5-6 of the apple matchsticks from the batter, allowing the excess batter to drip back into the bowl - the fritter should be irregular in shape, with just a very light coating of batter - and add to the hot oil. Add a few more fritters to the pot, without crowding, and fry for about 5 minutes, turning the fritters from time to time, until crisp and golden brown. Use a skimmer or slotted spoon to transfer them to the paper towels, and fry the remaining fritters in batches.

Stack the fritters on serving platter, sprinkle generously with powdered sugar, and serve immediately.

Buzzy

Anna loves to dress up in her various bird or bug costumes. On Wednesday, after reading a story in which Abby Cadaby poofs herself into a bumble bee for Halloween, Anna decided she really needs a bumble bee costume. I told her we could put it on her birthday list. Then, we both realized that we could put together a makeshift costume quite easily.

We stopped at JoAnn's before our grocery trip on Wednesday to buy a few supplies. My goals, other than to whip something up with very little time or money involved, were to have Anna participate as much as possible and to let her be the designer. This is what we came up with:

All of the color ideas (yellow thread, green and blue antennae, multi-colored stripes, wing 'decorations') were Anna's, of course. Adding designs to the wings with colorful felt that she cut out all by herself was her idea as well. I saw the duct tape idea online, and we just happened to have the colorful stuff on hand already. For a couple of hours and less than $20, we have a very happy buzzing, flying, stinging bee in our house. She's also quite proud of her work, as am I. It was so fun to observe her thinking about what colors to put where, to watch her painting foam balls with such focus and intensity, to work together on stitching the wings.

I have a feeling she's going to be coming up with more ideas like this one soon.

This is what a bumble bee looks like when she says "Bzzzzzzz!"

Vinyl

I think I mentioned in a previous post that Blake received a couple of vinyl records for Christmas. After he told me that he had some interest in establishing a collection, I scoured the Ann Arbor record stores for a couple of used gems. Blake was thrilled with his first U2 and Van Morrison LPs, and quickly found a turntable on Craig's List. Thanks to my dad, Blake also secured a receiver and speakers that were sitting idle.

Until yesterday, we'd been listening mostly to one of four records, mostly Elvis actually (which Blake picked up a few weeks ago), because Anna LOVES dancing to Blue Suede Shoes and Jailhouse Rock. We've all been LOVING having this new toy in our home.

Papa and Mo Mox came for a visit last night, and they brought a surprise with them...a small collection of vintage records. Blake and I were beaming. The Eagles, more Elvis, oldies upon oldies upon oldies, even some of my old childhood records. We spent the evening in the basement by the record player, talking with my dad and Jessica, listening to old albums. 

Thank you so much, Dad and Jessica, for saving these for so thirty years (or more) and passing them on to us. They will be enjoyed for a lifetime.

Some of my favorites:

The American Graffiti soundtrack!

More Elvis

1979 Neil Diamond

These brought back memories.